Well I be listening to some Brad Paisley, he can seriously rock my world anyday! But anyways, today and yesterday has been a really hard day for me. A test of my dedication I shall say? I’ve been torn between doing whats right and doing what I want. I wanna do something like REALLY REALLY bad, but I know I shouldn’t.. I know I shouldn’t because God wouldn’t want me to. But then I think I’m not even saved, I can do whatever I want! awwwwhhh I don’t know what I should do. I feel so empty inside right now anyways. This hasn’t been a problem since forever ago!
Gahh I hate people! Especially guys! Today was good anyways :) In french, I took a test I didn’t know s&*t about! Seminar was awkward but Mishayla was there so it was great! I saw the Mac Miller look alike in 6th hr. Teeheee so cute! I like how my teacher likes to provoke our thoughts about stupid shit, just like that drunk uncle everyone has. Dr. Dre is hitting like 40 I think? I’d tap that right here right now. so attractive! Ugh there goes my goal about not thinking about guys for a while. Bahaha that shit went out the door a while back!
Sorry I feel like venting and cussing. It’s been a while! Everyone should be suprised I got invited to toke up but I didn’t! I know better then to smoke! I think this Blake Toven kid is gonna be good. Now, I’m being classy and listening to The Beach Boys. When I am emotional I listen to music all the time, helps me soothe my mind.
You know whats sad? I’m being completely honest in this blog. I talk to my parents very little. My dad- I talk to him like three times a month, hes a busy man :) My mom- the same.
My family is all sorts of messed up. Haha We don’t say “I love you” or we don’t hug. I don’t know how we show affection actually. Whenever I have tried to tell my sisters I love them, they say “whatever Nicky, What do you want?, or fuck off.”
One thing I admire about myself is that when I’m around with people who are not family, or if I’m at school, I always look pleasant. I stopped showing people my feelings, Haha instead I’ll rant on here. I hope I change someday soon. Maybe If I could go to church, I would be happier. Sometimes I feel really different. I feel like I have two personalities the mormon Nicky, and the dirty ass Nicky. Sometimes I look at a gay couple and I’m like awh they’re so cute, they belong together. But then I remember the bible says something like man should not lie down with man or something. Sometimes I don’t know, sometimes I just want to do hoodrat things! haha.
So after writing this and listening to a Dixie Chick song. I feel great. Damn I feel effing amazing. I was pretty torn today, but this made it all better. Dang Karma is gonna be a bitch to me I just know it! I have messed up so much! Well ciao fellow followers, I wrote too much today. Peace and blessings! <3
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